If You Were Never Mine, Why Does It Still Hurt So Much?

Thought Catalog

Once, I wanted to believe you were mine. We exchanged glances, we had a cause and effect, you and I. Every action of mine received a go to response from you. I played the game as good as any, although secretly, I liked to believe I was different. I told myself that by being above it all I’d never get hurt. By acting like I didn’t care, by treating it like it was nothing more than a physical affair, it became just that. Meaningless. To you, it was all fun and games. To me it was anything but. You didn’t question more than you had to and anxious to not know, I kept quiet about the turmoil within, not too far beneath the surface. You had more of an impact on me emotionally than anyone I’ve ever met. I always thought we’d have more time. I should have known your…

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I Know I’m Flawed, But I’m Trying To Be Better For You

Thought Catalog

Would it be too much of me to ask for you to stay?

I know it gets rough sometimes; I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not always the most lovable person. I have moments in which I get too unreasonable, too childish. I’ve been with you long enough to know what ticks you off and I’m sorry if I hold this knowledge against you.

I’m aware that you could list down all my faults and flaws in a single breath if someone asked you to. Sometimes, i think that you could even see them better than I could.

Now I’m not trying to put myself in bad light here, just hear me out on this one, okay?

You told me once that I am selfish beyond reason. I think about myself first, narcissistic enough to believe that I am always right. And how many times have I been a brat…

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Confessions Of A Broken-Hearted Girl

Thought Catalog

Day one.

I wish I was as strong as everybody thinks I am. I am the girl who can get through anything. The girl who breezes through heartbreaks. The girl who can find someone else, someone better, always. The girl who is so independent, so strong, so willed. Or so they think.

I wish I was as numb as I’d like to think. The girl who doesn’t feel anymore. The girl who doesn’t care. The selfish, self-interested girl who couldn’t care less about what anyone has to say.

But actually, I am not.

My heart is broken. It feels like it’s in pieces, and every piece has a jagged end. These edges poke at me from the inside every time I move. Even every time I breathe. I am fine on the outside. My hair is straightened out, my eyelashes curled, my outfit chic. I have my chin held high…

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This Is How I Know I’ll Always Love You

Thought Catalog

I want you to know that I will always love you.

It’s not the kind of love that fades. Not the cheap kind that arrives quickly and dissipates before you even realize it’s gone. This kind of love is the kind that stays in your bones, deep down in the places nobody sees and the kind that lingers in all of your dark corners to protect you from the scary things.

It’s impossible to imagine my life before you were in it. When I try, it feels like I’ve spent all day at the beach, letting the waves smack me in the face over and over. It feels like heat stroke — hazy, and a bit tiring, and weird, bordering on uncomfortable.

It’s not often you come across someone who can make you laugh until Gatorade comes out of your nose. It’s uncommon to find someone to be comfortable around…

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I Want To Forget You

Thought Catalog

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I don’t want to be this person. No one does. No one wants to admit that they are unable to move past something which happened so long ago that not even the most hopeless romantic would justify it. I know when I’m being pathetic, and letting something eat me from inside like a rotten tooth, and I don’t like it any more than I’m sure other people like to be around it. I can feel that I walk into a room and, when I hear you might be coming later on, suck the energy out of it completely. I know that people are holding their breath, waiting for me to make a scene. I know that everyone thinks I should have gotten over it. I hate being her, but she’s who I am.

Part of me wants to ask you to let me go, even though I know how…

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The Life We Never Lived

Thought Catalog

Did you know that because of you there are places I can’t go, music I can’t listen to, people I can’t know?

The memories of us are dusty now and every so often, I enter the dimly lit past to clean them off. They are as they always were: stories told in hushed voices, soft touches almost unfelt. I worry I might lose them. Sometimes I pray I will.

I kiss him and try to believe it. Try to convince myself I love him more. That the life I created with him is better than the one you and I never had. That his mouth is better than the fantasy of yours.

But fantasy is potent. And he can’t compete with that. With a figment. With possibility. With what could have been. A man he can compete with, but you…

You are a ghost I have created. The way you…

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We Can Never Go Back To The Way It Was

Thought Catalog

Our hearts break sometimes. It’s messy and terrible and we are left in shattered pieces that refuse to fit back together in any coherent functioning way.

You are left trapped and alone in your memories of what used to be. You fall asleep pretending that they are still with you. You close your eyes and make believe that nothing has changed. It’s the only way you have the strength to face the next day.

You can’t imagine loving anyone else. You see life only out of glasses forged from disillusion and hurt. You can’t fully grasp the concept of a future without the person you loved so you remain in the past where everything makes sense. Even the most harmless of things trigger flashbacks that only reopen your wounds and further anchor you to the past. You can still remember the happiness in that elusive once upon a time. Your…

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