I Want To Forget You

Thought Catalog

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I don’t want to be this person. No one does. No one wants to admit that they are unable to move past something which happened so long ago that not even the most hopeless romantic would justify it. I know when I’m being pathetic, and letting something eat me from inside like a rotten tooth, and I don’t like it any more than I’m sure other people like to be around it. I can feel that I walk into a room and, when I hear you might be coming later on, suck the energy out of it completely. I know that people are holding their breath, waiting for me to make a scene. I know that everyone thinks I should have gotten over it. I hate being her, but she’s who I am.

Part of me wants to ask you to let me go, even though I know how…

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The Life We Never Lived

Thought Catalog

Did you know that because of you there are places I can’t go, music I can’t listen to, people I can’t know?

The memories of us are dusty now and every so often, I enter the dimly lit past to clean them off. They are as they always were: stories told in hushed voices, soft touches almost unfelt. I worry I might lose them. Sometimes I pray I will.

I kiss him and try to believe it. Try to convince myself I love him more. That the life I created with him is better than the one you and I never had. That his mouth is better than the fantasy of yours.

But fantasy is potent. And he can’t compete with that. With a figment. With possibility. With what could have been. A man he can compete with, but you…

You are a ghost I have created. The way you…

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We Can Never Go Back To The Way It Was

Thought Catalog

Our hearts break sometimes. It’s messy and terrible and we are left in shattered pieces that refuse to fit back together in any coherent functioning way.

You are left trapped and alone in your memories of what used to be. You fall asleep pretending that they are still with you. You close your eyes and make believe that nothing has changed. It’s the only way you have the strength to face the next day.

You can’t imagine loving anyone else. You see life only out of glasses forged from disillusion and hurt. You can’t fully grasp the concept of a future without the person you loved so you remain in the past where everything makes sense. Even the most harmless of things trigger flashbacks that only reopen your wounds and further anchor you to the past. You can still remember the happiness in that elusive once upon a time. Your…

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The End Of An Almost Lover

Thought Catalog

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I was never his girlfriend. He already had one of those, I found out later. So we never kissed. We spent countless hours talking into the point where night turns into morning, but we never spent the night together. We discussed the possibility of us – and what our future together might hold – too many times to count.

But he was never mine.

When it ended – abruptly and on his terms, of course – I didn’t know why it hurt so much. He wasn’t really an ex; we’d never so much as held hands. He wasn’t just a friend.

He was an almost lover. And almost lovers can hurt more than real ones.

At least with previous boyfriends, I could point to the past. Flaws. Fights. Memories, both good and bad. I had something concrete to hold onto. I had photos, old DVDs they’d lent me, “I love…

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Live Life With Regrets

Thought Catalog

image - Flickr / ►►haley image – Flickr / ►►haley

“Both she and I have grief enough and trouble enough, but as for regrets – neither of us have any.” 

Vincent van Gogh said that. What a lying asshat. 

But you hear it all the time. “Live without regrets.” “Never regret what once made you smile.” “There are no regrets, only memories.” 

Honestly, what a load of absolute shit. 

If people were sincere with themselves they would admit that, of course, life is lived with regrets. From the monumental to the mundane, every individual has at least one instance that evokes pure unequivocal longing for that unknown path or that second door or that road less traveled. 

It’s life. 

The notion that life should be lived without regret is nothing more than a carefully constructed web of half-truths, meant to soften the corners of a painfully-pointed recognition every individual faces when they realize they’ve fucked…

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Missing Something You Never Had

Thought Catalog

You thought you had them. You took pictures with them and made plans with them and felt them when the darkness of night left you blind. And now that you’re without them you cannot help but think, “How funny, to miss something I never had”, which is inevitably followed by a sore smile and a forced laugh. 

Their touches were soft, almost translucent. At times you overlooked them as nothing more than the soft flutters of a sure love you’d be experiencing forever. Now you crave what you took for granted, drowning in some overplayed cliche fit for television dramas. 

You’ve made the necessary and often awkward announcement to friends and family. Each informative sentence packs a period that cuts through any self-medicating delusion you’ve managed to create. Reality is inescapable. You will never see them or feel them or hear them again. 

Every “I’m sorry” or “everything happens for…

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